


dysfunctional family

by alrightellie



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: AU, M/M, aight bye, in this fic and irl lmao, sehun and jongin will be here later don't worry, text fic, they're basically living memes, this is stupid but ya know whatever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-12
Updated: 2017-12-09
Packaged: 2018-11-19 18:30:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 12,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11319159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alrightellie/pseuds/alrightellie
Summary: baekhyun starts a group chat against his better judgement





	1. everyone's adopted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey it's ya girl ellie back with another poor decision

**_bacon_** **added** **_galaxy boi_ ** **,** **_lay me down_ ** **,** **_lu_ ** **,** **_Minnie_ ** **,** **_modern-style elf_ ** **,** **_rawr XD_ ** **,** **_satan_ ** **,** **_t a o,_ ** **and** **_$uho_ ** **to the chat**

 **bacon** hello

 **bacon** you’re probably all wondering why i’ve gathered you here today

 **lay me down** yeah

 **lay me down** why did you

 **bacon** for the lolz

 **t a o** please tell me you meant that ironically

 **bacon** chill out

 **bacon** i’m not some cringy 10-year-old

 **satan** debatable

 **bacon** if i’m 10 then you’re 9

 **bacon** so shut up

 **$uho** Calm down you two

 **satan** fuck you

 **rawr XD** why does this feel like a dysfunctional family dinner

 **modern-style elf** it totally is omg

 **modern-style elf** junmyeon’s the tired mom

 **modern-style elf** yifan’s the deadbeat dad

 **galaxy boi** why am i deadbeat

 **modern-style elf** the rest of us are the insane kids

 **Minnie** Lmao

 **t a o** we really are a dysfunctional family oh my god

 **_satan_** **named the chat** _**dysfunctional family**_

 **satan** now it’s official

 **Minnie** Nice

 **galaxy boi** okay but why am i deadbeat

 **bacon** bc you’re never around

 **galaxy boi** just bc i don’t reply to texts right away??

 **lay me down** yeah

 **lay me down** a good dad wouldn’t leave me on read  

 **rawr XD** lmao

 **rawr XD** does he pay child support

 **bacon** they’re not divorced dumbass he just sucks

 **rawr XD** so they should be

 **bacon** yeah but junmyeon isn't ready to let go

 **bacon** he misses how it used to be

 **bacon** when they were young and in love

 **bacon** back when yifan wasn’t just in it for junmyeon’s ass

 **bacon** and he hopes things’ll change

 **$uho** I hate you

 **galaxy boi** seconded

 **satan** that’s no way for parents to talk to their kid

 **$uho** You’re all adopted

 **lu** wHAT

 **lay me down** how could you not tell us

 **t a o** brb gonna go cry

 **Minnie** You’re so extra

 **t a o** ikr i’m great

 **lay me down** not really tbh

 **t a o** square up yixing let’s go

 **lay me down** tao i could probably kill you if i wanted

 **satan** do it

 **t a o** i hate you all

 **modern-style elf** even mom and dad?

 **t a o** especially them

 **$uho** You’re grounded

 **Minnie** You’re not even our real mom

 **bacon** REKT

 **satan** don’t say rekt

 **bacon** fuck you

 **modern-style elf** REKT

 **satan** kms

 **galaxy boi** mood

 **$uho** Nobody kys

 **bacon** fuck you i do what i want

 **modern-style elf** at least you’ll die doing what you love

 **bacon** dying?

 **modern-style elf** yeah

 **lay me down** you certainly will do that while dying

 **lu** why do i feel everybody here is on drugs

 **rawr XD** well i am

 **rawr XD** idk about the rest of you

 **modern-style elf** jongdae! is that a weed???

 **rawr XD** no this is a crayon

 **modern-style elf** i’m calling the police

 **lu** 911 what is your emergency

 **lay me down** that’s like the best vine ever

 **bacon** I CAN’T BREATHE OMFG

 **galaxy boi** if you can’t breathe you’ll die

 **Minne** At least he’ll die doing what he loves

 **lu** oh my god

 **$uho** I’m leaving

 **satan** same

 **satan** bye losers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright well that was horrible but hopefully amusing as well??  
> comment something pls (even if it's just one word, it'll still let me know people like this)  
> tbh this'll prob turn more into a side thing to post in between chapters of a fic with an actual plot but idk  
> we'll see what my brain decides to do  
> alright i'll shut up now see ya


	2. kyungsoo is thicc

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this sucks ass and i want to die

**bacon** okay gays

 **galaxy boi** you mean guys?

 **bacon** i know what i said

 **bacon** anyway

 **bacon** i have a question for all of you

 **lu** what is it

 **bacon** who’s the thiccest person in this chat

 **Minnie** Junmyeon. Next question

 **_$uho_** **left the chat**

 **lay me down** that was probably wise

 **_modern-style elf_** **added** **_$uho_ ** **to the chat**

 **$uho** Dangit

 **bacon** alright

 **bacon** minseok says it’s junmyeon

 **bacon** anyone else wanna answer

 **galaxy boi** i’m with minseok on this one

 **galaxy boi** junmyeon’s got a great ass

 **$uho** Suddenly I can’t read

 **lu** HAHAHAHA

 **t a o** junmyeon’s pretty thicc but my vote is kyungsoo

 **satan** what

 **bacon** agreed

 **satan** i

 **modern-style elf** yeah i’m going with soo

 **lu** same

 **lay me down** i say junmyeon

 **rawr XD** yeah me too

 **bacon** alright so

 **bacon** that’s 4 votes for junmyeon

 **bacon** and 4 for kyungsoo

 **modern-style elf** damn

 **rawr XD** are they allowed to vote

 **lay me down** won’t they just vote for themselves

 **$uho** It’d be weird if we didn’t

 **bacon** well i could’ve voted for myself

 **bacon** but instead i decided to be honest

 **satan** i wish you hadn’t been

 **lu** anybody wanna change their vote

 **galaxy boi** me

 **$uho** WHAT

 **galaxy boi** i’m kidding babe calm down

 **lu** anybody actually wanna change their vote

 **rawr XD** you know what

 **rawr XD** i’m gonna have to switch on this

 **rawr XD** now that i think about it kyungsoo’s pretty damn thicc

 **satan** please don’t think about how thicc i am

 **bacon** so you admit you’re thicc

 **satan** i hate you

 **lu** well

 **lu** with a one-point lead

 **lu** kyungsoo wins the title of Thiccest™

 **$uho** Good

 **$uho** I didn’t want to win

 **satan** idk how to feel about this

 **bacon** feel flattered

 **bacon** it basically means any of us would bang you

 **_satan_** **removed** **_bacon_ ** **from the chat**

 **t a o** HA

 **satan** there is no one in this chat that i would fuck

 **satan** and you all know it

 **modern-style elf** but baek’s not in the chat

 **satan** there is no one who has ever been in this chat that i would fuck

 **rawr XD** you’d fuck me though right

 **_satan_** **removed** **_rawr XD_ ** **from the chat**

 **galaxy boi** good

 **modern-style elf** day 5

 **modern-style elf** we’re dropping off like flies

 **modern-style elf** kyungsoo’s getting merciless

 **modern-style elf** who will be his next victim

 **_satan_** **removed** **_modern-style elf_ ** **from the chat**

 **lu** oh my god

 **Minnie** Uh

 **Minnie** Jongdae says “Add me back you fucking spoons”

 **satan** tell him “no fuck you”

 **Minnie** He says “Fuck you too”

 **$uho** ADD ME BACK FUCKSRS

 **galaxy boi** uh

 **$uho** Sorry that was Baekhyun

 **$uho** He could’ve just asked me to type it for him tbh

 **galaxy boi** then ‘fuckers’ would’ve been spelled right

 **Minnie** Guys Jongdae’s getting pissed

 **lu** so why don’t you add him

 **Minnie** Why would I want to do that

 **lay me down** cold-blooded

 **t a o** yeah

 **t a o** that’s to be expected from minseok though

 **Minnie** You wanna die kid?

 **t a o** kinda

 **Minnie** Oh

 **t a o** i’m kidding

 **t a o** chill

 **Minnie** Okay

 **Minnie** I was a little concerned for a second

 **satan** chanyeol’s spamming me should i block him

 **galaxy boi** yes

 **$uho** Just add them back already

 **satan** i don’t wanna

 **_lay me down_ ** **added** **_bacon_ ** **,** **_modern-style elf_ ** **, and** **_rawr XD_ ** **to the chat**

 **rawr XD** THANK YOU

 **lay me down** just your friendly neighborhood yixing

 **lay me down** here to help

 **satan** you helped them but doomed the rest of us

 **bacon** doomed you to what

 **Minnie** Having to deal with you dumbasses

 **modern-style elf** that’s not very nice

 **Minnie** Well I’m not very nice

 **Minnie** What a coincidence

 **bacon** why are you always such a dick??

 **Minnie** Because I like dick

 **galaxy boi** DEAD

 **rawr XD** he’s not wrong

 **$uho** Gross

 **t a o** you like dick too junmyeon

 **lu** we all do

 **$uho** But I don’t talk about it

 **$uho** It’s not a very appropriate topic

 **satan** oh please

 **satan** we all know this chat isn’t pg

 **$uho** Well we should at least try and keep it PG-13

 **lu** nah

 **lu** r rating ftw

 **lay me down** but there are children present

 **t a o** fuck you too yixing

 **lay me down** i never even said your name

 **bacon** ooh self-burn

 **t a o** i hate you all

 **t a o** bye

 **modern-style elf** yeah i’ve got things to do

 **galaxy boi** when did baekhyun change his name to ‘things’

 **_modern-style elf_** **left the chat**

 **lay me down** after all i went through to add him back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave a comment bc i'm unmotivated and in need of help okay adios


	3. stop jacking off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is really poorly written but i wanted to post something so there ya go

**bacon** soo

 **satan** yeah

 **bacon** could you stfu?

 **bacon** i can hear you jacking off in the next room

 **t a o** BITCH WHAT

 **lu** lol seriously

 **bacon** yep

 **bacon** “ah, jongin~” -kyungsoo 2k17

 **satan** FSKJDSJK

 **satan** FUCK YOU BAEKHYUN

 **satan** THIS IS SLANDER

 **modern-style elf** except slander is when they’re lying

 **Minnie** Lmao

 **satan** FUCK YOU TOO CHANYEOL

 **galaxy boi** so can we safely assume kyungsoo’s denial means baekhyun is telling the truth

 **$uho** I would assume so

 **satan** i want to fight every single one of you

 **bacon** and apparently you want jongin

 **_satan_ ** **left the chat**

 **_bacon_ ** **added** **_satan_ ** **to the chat**

 **bacon** not on my watch fucker

 **modern-style elf** okay not to jump to kyungsoo’s defense or anything but you really can’t judge him babe

 **bacon** i can’t but i will

 **$uho** Wow

 **t a o** well none of us can judge tbh

 **Minnie** Yeah

 **Minnie** Kyungsoo might want to fuck Jongin but we all want to fuck someone

 **t a o** like luhan wants to fuck sehun

 **lu** i don’t want to fuck him

 **lu** i want him to suck my d*ck

 **lay me down** your what

 **bacon** he wants sehun to suck his duck

 **bacon** duh

 **Minnie** No dumbass he wants Sehun to suck his deck

 **satan** guys he clearly wants sehun to suck his dock

 **rawr XD** how fucking dumb are you guys

 **rawr XD** he wants sehun to suck his dack

 **$uho** I’m choking oh my god

 **t a o** just like sehun will be choking on luhan’s dack

 **lu** i need new friends

 **modern-style elf** no

 **modern-style elf** you need sehun to give you that good succ

 **lu** that works too

 **lay me down** ffs

 **galaxy boi** luhan why did you even censor ‘dick’ in the first place

 **lu** i felt like it

 **galaxy boi** alright then

 **$uho** Why does every conversation of ours have to include dicks

 **rawr XD** that’s a bit of an exaggeration

 **$uho** Not much of one though

 **rawr XD** okay true

 **Minnie** All of us like dicks Junmyeon

 **Minnie** We already discussed this remember

 **$uho** Well yeah but

 **modern-style elf** but…??

 **$uho** You know, I was about to say that straight guys don’t always talk about pussy and then I realized I was wrong

 **galaxy boi** AHAHAHAHA

 **lay me down** well straight girls don’t always talk about dick

 **lay me down** do they

 **bacon** you think we interact with straight girls???

 **lay me down** you got me there

 **lu** i actually don’t think i know any straight girls

 **satan** even your female friends are gay?

 **lu** as gay as me

 **satan** nice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> COMEBACK IS SOON  
> A BITCH IS SCREAMING AND THAT BITCH IS ME  
> sorry that's unrelated to the fic but it's still true  
> you know the drill (or if you don't, it's leaving a comment)


	4. french between his legs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> désolé in advance for the shitty chapter  
> je ne sais pas pourquoi je viens d'écrire ça  
> (i'm not totally fluent in french okay i just know basic phrases)

**lay me down** anybody wanna talk about their kinks

**$uho** Yixing it’s four in the morning

**lay me down** i know

**lay me down** i can read, junmyeon

**satan** why tf are you awake

**lay me down** aren’t you awake too

**satan** …

**lu** are we talking about kinks

**lay me down** yeah

**galaxy boi** why are you wondering about kinks at four a.m.

**lay me down** don’t ask

**galaxy boi** okay

**lay me down** so anybody wanna share

**bacon** hellooooo

**$uho** Oh god

**modern-style elf** please no

**bacon** what

**bacon** are you ashamed of your kinks

**modern-style elf** honestly??

**modern-style elf** a little

**modern-style elf** so please don’t expose me

**bacon** i’m gonna expose you

**modern-style elf** son of a fuck

**lu** well i doubt you’re kinkier than me

**bacon** oh you’d be surprised at what he’s into

**modern-style elf** baek

**bacon** like begging for starters

**modern-style elf** baek please

**bacon** yeah like that

**modern-style elf** oh my god

**lu** either of you got a daddy kink?

**bacon** nah we don’t fuck with that

**lu** can’t relate

**galaxy boi** i fucking knew it

**galaxy boi** i’m kinkshaming luhan

**lay me down** hey

**lay me down** this is a judge-free zone

**$uho** I’m still judging

**lay me down** well keep it to yourself

**t a o** i can’t believe i woke up to this

**rawr XD** same

**Minnie** I’m not even surprised

**bacon** greetings friends

**bacon** care to add to the conversation??

**rawr XD** i personally don’t have any major kinks

**t a o** i don’t have any at all

**Minnie** I have plenty

**satan** jfc

**modern-style elf** no offense jongdae but i doubt that you don’t have any kinks

**rawr XD** i don’t!!!!

**rawr XD** minseok’s the kinky one

**rawr XD** i just kinda go along with it

**Minnie** I’ve told you we don’t have to do it

**rawr XD** well it’s not like i mind

**bacon** ohoho

**t a o** if you like doing kinky stuff then doesn’t that mean you have that kink

**rawr XD** if someone offers you a piece of toast and you don’t mind eating it but you weren’t thinking about eating it does that mean you like toast

**t a o** yes

**rawr XD** w r o n g

**lu** this conversation has been far less kinky than i would’ve liked

**$uho** Good

**lay me down** okay

**lay me down** what’s the kinkiest thing you’ve ever heard of and/or done

**bacon** bondage probably

**Minnie** Did you hear about it or do it

**bacon** both

**modern-style elf** bAEK

**bacon** sorry not sorry

**t a o** damn

**t a o** and here i was thinking chanyeol was vanilla

**bacon** you thought wrong

**rawr XD**  well it's not the kinkiest thing i can remember hearing but it was weird

**rawr XD**   that tumblr post about speaking french between someone’s legs

**rawr XD** would you be into that minseok

**Minnie** Hell no

**Minnie** And you don’t even speak French

**rawr XD** yeah i do look

**rawr XD** bonjour my petite croissants

**bacon** *slaps you with a baguette*

**modern-style elf** do you speak french

**bacon** of course

**$uho** I don’t believe it

**bacon** rude

**bacon** je suis offended

**galaxy boi** i am 99% sure that’s not how you say ‘offended’ in french

**bacon** excusez-moi

**bacon** but who’s the one who speaks french here

**satan** not you

**lu** baek, tu es bête

**lay me down** what does that mean

**lu** ask baekhyun

**lu** since he knows french

**t a o** yixing you could just google translate it

**lay me down** you really expect that to be accurate???

**t a o** okay fair point

**$uho** So what does it mean

**bacon** uh

**Minnie** It means “you are stupid” I think

**lu** yeah

**rawr XD** wait minseok how’d you know that

**rawr XD** you don’t speak french any more than me

**Minnie** I used a translator to translate it to English

**Minnie** And then translated that to Korean

**galaxy boi** smart

**galaxy boi** french-english and english-korean will be more accurate than french-korean

**modern-style elf** wait luhan how did you know how to say that

**lu** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**satan** wow what a great explanation

**lu** ikr

**lu** i can speak french between sehun’s legs

**bacon** DEAD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> c o m e b a c k t o m o r r o w  
> THE MV DROPS AT 4 AM FOR ME KMS  
> aNYWAY  
> like always, i request that you leave a comment  
> merci et au revoir


	5. sehun gets added

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm posting this from the grave bc tHE ALBUM ENDED MY LIFE IT'S SO GOOD  
> i woke up even earlier than the alarm i set for 3:45 to watch the mv and it was worth it  
> now let's get the chapter started

**modern-style elf** guys can i add sehun to the chat

 **lu** ooh

 **rawr XD** fuck it up chan

 **modern-style elf** aight cool

 **_modern-style elf_ ** **added** **_fetus_ ** **to the chat**

 **$uho** Hello

 **fetus** Hi

 **lu** hey sehun

 **lay me down** oh no

 **lay me down** predator alert

 **lay me down** save the child

 **lu** first you object to the chat being r-rated to protect tao and now this

 **lu** what are you, a mom

 **$uho** That position is full, thank you very much

 **lu** dad then

 **galaxy boi** nope

 **$uho** Oh NOW you see my messages

 **galaxy boi** sorry!!

 **galaxy boi** i have a life outside of you, you know

 **$uho** :(

 **t a o** and so it begins

 **$uho** You didn’t have to be mean

 **galaxy boi** oh no

 **Minnie** Oh no indeed

 **galaxy boi** you’re doing the pouty face aren’t you

 **$uho** [1 Image Attachment]

 **$uho** Yes :((

 **galaxy boi** no

 **galaxy boi** no no no

 **galaxy boi** junmyeon don’t do this

 **satan** agreed

 **$uho** [1 Image Attachment]

 **$uho** :(((

 **galaxy boi** gah

 **galaxy boi** i’m sorry okay

 **$uho** :)

 **$uho** Apology accepted

 **galaxy boi** okay

 **galaxy boi** good

 **galaxy boi** gtg

 **lay me down** thank god

 **$uho** Bye  <3

 **fetus** Well that was so pure I nearly vomited

 **rawr XD** you’ve got him wrapped around your finger junmyeon

 **$uho** Ikr

 **bacon** when will someone love me that much

 **modern-style elf** EXCUSE ME

 **bacon** oh right

 **bacon** you

 **modern-style elf** wow

 **modern-style elf** we’re breaking up

 **bacon** bby i was kidding

 **bacon** why are you such a drama queen

 **modern-style elf** i was kidding too geez

 **satan** you dumbasses deserve each other

 **lu** you know what i deserve

 **lay me down** a slap in the face?

 **satan** a kick in the balls?

 **bacon** being removed from the chat?

 **rawr XD** i like that option

 **lu** fuck you all

 **_lu_ ** **left the chat**

 **Minnie** Finally

 **_fetus_ ** **added** **_lu_ ** **to the chat**

 **lu** AWWWW

 **lu** THANK YOU

 **modern-style elf** sehun how could you

 **fetus** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **fetus** I wanted to

 **lu** and i want a lot of things

 **$uho** Don’t

 **t a o** don’t

 **lay me down** don’t

 **fetus** I’m confused

 **modern-style elf** oh, sehun

 **modern-style elf** please stay that way

 **lu** sehun dear could i slide into your dm’s for a moment

 **fetus** Uh

 **fetus** Can’t you just talk in this chat

 **lu** i don’t think anybody wants me to

 **bacon** oh we don’t mind

 **t a o** yeah

 **t a o** you can stay

 **lay me down** don’t go into private messages

 **lu** fuck the police

 **Minnie** Oh no

 **$uho** Luhan?

 **rawr XD** he gone

 **satan** sehun you there

 **rawr XD** he gone too

 **modern-style elf** well

 **modern-style elf** someone’s probably getting nudes

 **bacon** I JUST CHOKED FKJSKSJKDS

 **modern-style elf** am i wrong tho

 **Minnie** Probably not

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave a comment please and thank  
> aight kokobye  
> (sorry i had to lmao)


	6. we don't want your dick pics

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter's kinda short but i think it's a lot to take in  
> if i'm wrong then sorry but the next chapter's gonna be longer so i hope that'll make up for it

**rawr XD** gUYS

 **bacon** yeah

 **rawr XD** GUESS WHOSE PHONE I TOOK

 **$uho** Whose

 **Minnie** MINSEOK’S

 **fetus** You’re awfully excited about this

 **Minnie** WELL YEAH

 **Minnie** I HAVE POWER

 **lay me down** Jongdae give me my phone back

 **modern-style elf** what

 **lay me down** Yixing let me use his phone

 **rawr XD** that’s nice

 **rawr XD** too bad i’m not

 **lu** what are you gonna do with your newfound power

 **rawr XD** this

 **Minnie** [1 Image Attachment]

 **Minnie** [1 Image Attachment]

 **Minnie** [1 Image Attachment]

 **Minnie** [1 Image Attachment]

 **Minnie** [1 Image Attachment]

 **Minnie** [1 Image Attachment]

 **lay me down** JONGDAE

 **galaxy boi** AHAHAHAHA

 **t a o** MY EYES

 **satan** jesus fuck

 **lay me down** jongdae i would run if i were you

 **lay me down** minseok just left

 **rawr XD** oh shit

 **modern-style elf** you fucked up

 **modern-style elf** an angry minseok is a scary minseok

 **rawr XD** fCUK I HEAR HIM

 **rawr XD** FCUCK FUCCD FUXK

 **rawr XD** I’N TOO YONG TO DIE

 **$uho** This is your own fault

 **rawr XD** HLEP

 **rawr XD** FUUCSK

 **bacon** jongdae?

 **Minnie** Hello

 **lay me down** did you kill him

 **Minnie** No

 **Minnie** I don’t want bloodshed

 **Minnie** Just some harmless revenge

 **rawr XD** [1 Image Attachment]

 **rawr XD** [1 Image Attachment]

 **rawr XD** [1 Image Attachment]

 **rawr XD** [1 Image Attachment]

 **t a o** suddenly i’m blind

 **satan** why do you two have so many dick pics just on your phones

 **Minnie** You never know when you’ll need one

 **bacon** is jongdae dead

 **Minnie** He’s fine

 **Minnie** He’ll probably be here soon

 **modern-style elf** did you just leave him on the ground

 **Minnie** Actually yeah

 **Minnie** I dropped his phone by him

 **Minnie** And now I’m just walking away like I don’t know he’s there

 **$uho** Are you sure he’s alive

 **rawr XD** oH MY GOD

 **fetus** He is

 **rawr XD** MINSEOK

 **Minnie** Don’t be a hypocrite babe

 **rawr XD** we’re breaking up

 **Minnie** Sure

 **galaxy boi** can we all agree they’re the problematic couple

 **lu** lmaoooo

 **lay me down** yeah i’d say so

 **rawr XD** r00d

 **Minnie** But true

 **t a o** who tf types “r00d” anymore

 **bacon** nobody

 **rawr XD** i do

 **bacon** yeah like i said

 **bacon** nobody

 **modern-style elf** REKT

 **fetus** Who tf says “REKT” anymore

 **$uho** Nobody

 **modern-style elf** don’t

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> xiuchen are dumbasses and i love them so much  
> leave a comment or minseok's dick pics will haunt you for 69 years


	7. use a condom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just out of curiousity, which song from the album is your fave? i like "what u do" the best but they're all so g o o d

**bacon** DO FUCKING KYUNGSOO I STG

 **t a o** is he jacking off again

 **bacon** yeah

 **satan** l i e s

 **modern-style elf** i can hear it too

 **satan** stfu

 **Minnie** Kyungsoo we need to get you a man

 **Minnie** Specifically Jongin

 **satan** and how will you do that

 **modern-style elf** well i probably shouldn't be saying this but

 **modern-style elf** he’s 100% dtf

 **$uho** Really?

 **modern-style elf** i have screenshots one sec

 **galaxy boi** ooh

 **modern-style elf** [1 Image Attachment]

 **modern-style elf** [1 Image Attachment]

 **fetus** Remind me to never text you again

 **modern-style elf** it’s too late to save yourself sehun

 **rawr XD** jongin’s very

 **rawr XD** descriptive

 **lay me down** well they like each other so that’s good

 **lay me down** now what

 **fetus** Well

 **fetus** Chanyeol could “accidentally” text Jongin when he meant to text Kyungsoo

 **fetus** “Accidentally” revealing everything

 **fetus** Therefore letting Jongin know the feelings are mutual

 **fetus** And then they fuck

 **$uho** Gotta love how that went from professional to not in like two seconds

 **lu** that’s actually not a bad plan

 **lu** well done

 **bacon** thirsty

 **lu** all i did was compliment him

 **lu** can’t i do that without any feelings other than respect??

 **satan** luhan we all know you two are fucking

 **lu** yeah we are

 **fetus** You didn’t have to admit it

 **modern-style elf**  luhan, am i crazy

 **modern-style elf** or is sehun ashamed of you?

 **lu** i think so

 **lu** can’t be having that kind of attitude baby boy

 **fetus** What are you gonna do about it

 **Minnie** This is getting kinky fast

 **$uho** Keep it out of the group chat guys

 **lu** this is nothing compared to minseok and jongdae’s fucking dick pics

 **rawr XD** i regret that more than you guys do

 **bacon** don’t

 **bacon** it’s not a bad dick

 **t a o** debatable

 **galaxy boi** i think you two permanently destroyed tao’s innocence

 **lay me down** since when is saying “snapchat me that pussy” innocent

 **t a o** sHUT

 **$uho** When did that happen

 **lay me down** it was in the dms so you wouldn’t have known

 **fetus** This is interesting information

 **t a o** sehun if you tell anyone i will literally judo flip you off a bridge

 **galaxy boi** that’s oddly specific

 **fetus** Who tf would I tell

 **t a o** idk

 **t a o** that johnny kid you hang out with sometimes

 **bacon** i still haven’t forgotten that time you told us about

 **bacon** when you meant to text him about your kinks

 **bacon** and then texted the wrong number

 **fetus** That was the worst day of my life

 **lay me down** well the person you texted said they had a daddy kink too so

 **lay me down** could’ve been worse

 **satan** we’re getting off-topic

 **modern-style elf** yeah

 **modern-style elf** i’ll text jongin now one sec

 **rawr XD** alright

 **rawr XD** operation ‘get the d’

 **rawr XD** is a go

 **satan** do you have to call it that

 **lu** yes

 **satan** why

 **lu** bc fuck u

 **satan** this plan is for me you chicken fried fuck

 **satan** i have the right to object

 **lay me down** did you just call him a “chicken fried fuck”

 **satan** yeah

 **satan** and

 **lay me down** nothing

 **modern-style elf** [1 Image Attachment]

 **modern-style elf** guys he’s typing

 **bacon** soo gonna get that dick

 **rawr XD** that dack

 **lu** NO

 **fetus** What

 **Minnie** Don’t ask

 **modern-style elf** [1 Image Attachment]

 **galaxy boi** oh shit

 **$uho** Wow is Sehun’s plan actually gonna work

 **fetus** WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY

 **$uho** …

 **satan** he texted me “hi”

 **satan** what do i say

 **t a o** “i jack off to thoughts of you naked so let’s fuck”

 **lay me down** FKJSKKSJ

 **satan** any ACTUAL suggestions??

 **bacon** “i like you so let’s fuck”

 **satan** no saying “let’s fuck”

 **rawr XD** “you fill me with a deep affection so we should copulate”

 **satan** junmyeon you got any ideas

 **$uho** “Hey Jongin”

 **satan** perfect

 **galaxy boi** junmyeon is the one sane person here

 **lu** yeah

 **modern-style elf** are you just gonna say you like him straight-up or

 **satan** i guess

 **satan** hang on he’s typing

 **fetus** And you guys doubted me

 **satan** he said he hates my guts

 **fetus** Oh

 **satan** i’m kidding he said “wanna come over”

 **bacon** holy shit you two are gonna fuck

 **satan** hope so

 **satan** see you guys

 **t a o** be safe

 **lay me down** use a condom

 **$uho** Excuse you that is my line

 **Minnie** Mom Junmyeon strikes again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one kudos = one reminder to kyungsoo and jongin about safe sex  
> one comment = one condom  
> do your part to protect the children


	8. daddy luhan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter's another short one but the next one is long as well as a mix of sexual and fluffy which i think y'all might like so that'll be my apology

**bacon** aye soo you tap that yet

**satan** hell yeah

**bacon** nice

**lay me down** so are you two a thing now

**satan** hell yeah

**$uho** You sound like a broken record

**satan** hell yeah

**galaxy boi** he’s happy babe let him live

**satan** hell yeah

**rawr XD** okay now you can stop

**satan** aight

**t a o** lmao

**fetus** Guys I need your opinions on something

**Minnie** On what

**fetus** A purchase

**bacon** i love purchasing things

**modern-style elf** more like you love me purchasing things for you

**bacon** true

**lu** *cough* sugar daddy *cough*

**modern-style elf** isn’t the sugar daddy typically older than the sugar baby

**lu** shhhh

**fetus** Do you guys wanna help me or not

**$uho** We’ll help

**$uho** I will, at least

**fetus** Okay one second

**fetus** Actually Luhan can you leave the chat for a bit

**lu** do i have to

**fetus** Please daddy?

**_lu_ ** **left the chat**

**satan** that was effective

**bacon** well if jongin did that to you at 8:30 you’d leave at 8:29

**satan** fair enough

**galaxy boi** kinky

**fetus** Not the point here

**lay me down** yeah let’s get back on topic

**lay me down** what are you buying

**fetus** [1 Image Attachment]

**t a o** jesus christ on a boat

**$uho** That’s um

**$uho** An interesting outfit

**modern-style elf** gonna surprise luhan eh

**fetus** Yeah

**fetus** But it’s expensive so like

**Minnie** Oh good lord

**Minnie** I didn’t even see the price until now

**Minnie** You’re gonna have to sell your kidneys

**bacon** just get luhan to buy it

**rawr XD** what makes you think luhan has more money than sehun

**bacon** it’s worth a shot

**fetus** Okay

**_fetus_ ** **added** **_lu_ ** **to the chat**

**fetus** Can you buy something for me

**lu** what is it

**fetus** An outfit

**lu** what does it look like

**fetus** You’ll find out

**fetus** If you buy it for me I will let you see me wearing it

**lu** if i buy you nothing can i see you wearing that

**galaxy boi** damn son

**satan** nobody told me luhan was slick

**lu** B)

**fetus** You’ve already seen me wearing nothing calm down

**lu** touché

**$uho** That reminds me

**$uho** Did you ever

**$uho** Uh

**$uho** French

**lu** did i ever speak french between sehun’s legs?

**$uho** Yeah that

**lu** not yet

**fetus** What

**lu** what

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comment now to donate to the 'buy sehun a kinky outfit' fund  
> 


	9. yifan is soft

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fic started really shitty  
> then it got better  
> and now it's shitty again

**satan** help

 **satan** how suck dick

 **t a o** wtf

 **satan** you heard me

 **satan** how

 **satan** suck

 **satan** dick

 **bacon** soo i know for a fact that you’ve sucked dick

 **satan** that was like 70 years ago

 **satan** and you said i wasn’t even that good

 **bacon** yeah i was disappointed

 **modern-style elf** kyungsoo sucked your dick??

 **bacon** it was before you and i started dating don’t worry

 **galaxy boi** how was it disappointing

 **bacon** well it was just like ‘oh okay he’s sucking my dick’

 **bacon** instead of like ‘sweet lord jesus this is good’

 **bacon** have you seen his mouth???

 **bacon** i had such high expectations

 **Minnie** Now I lowkey wanna know what Kyungsoo’s blowjobs are like

 **satan** well i’m hoping to improve

 **lu** the secret to giving good succ is,,,,

 **lu** blow it like a flute

 **rawr XD** what in the fresh hELL

 **lu** it works okay

 **fetus** Can confirm

 **Minnie** Now I lowkey wanna know what Luhan’s blowjobs are like

 **rawr XD** oh are mine not good enough for you

 **Minnie** Don’t worry Dae

 **Minnie** I’m faithful

 **rawr XD** you better be

 **satan** you guys aren’t helping me here

 **$uho** Are you asking because of Jongin

 **satan** yeah

 **lu** you need to be ready

 **galaxy boi** did you not already suck his dick

 **satan** nah we just fucked

 **galaxy boi** oh okay

 **galaxy boi** gotcha

 **fetus** Was he good

 **satan** absolutely

 **bacon** not better than me right

 **modern-style elf** you and kyungsoo fucked too??????

 **bacon** that was even longer ago okay

 **satan** jongin was better

 **satan** sorry not sorry

 **modern-style elf** i don’t think i can ever exist the same way again now

 **bacon** i’m sorry bby

 **lay me down** why am i not surprised that baekhyun’s fucked around

 **satan** idgaf what he’s done just teach me how to give a good blowjob

 **rawr XD** just go for it

 **rawr XD** all at once

 **rawr XD** and hum while you deepthroat bc you can’t gag while humming

 **Minnie** Oh is that why you always do that

 **t a o** wait is that true

 **lay me down** well i just hummed and stuck my finger down my throat

 **lay me down** and i didn’t choke

 **t a o** holy shit

 **bacon** noted

 **satan** alright i can do that

 **satan** what do i do with my tongue

 **fetus** Just

 **fetus** Use it

 **fetus** Taste alllll that dick

 **rawr XD** all that dack

 **lu** speak french around his cock

 **modern-style elf** now there’s a tactic

 **$uho** Okay you know what I’ve had enough

 **lay me down** what

 **$uho** This chat needs to be cleansed

 **$uho** It’s wholesome hour, people

 **$uho** I want only pure messages about your boyfriends

 **Minnie** You expect me to talk about Jongdae in a pure way??

 **$uho** Yes

 **galaxy boi** i’ll be the first pure text

 **galaxy boi** i love junmyeon so much i don’t even deserve him he’s just so cute and caring and generally wonderful and everytime he smiles i want to cry bc it’s so beautiful

 **bacon** wow

 **bacon** yifan has emotions???

 **galaxy boi** go fuck yourself

 **$uho** Awwww

 **$uho** I love you too Yifan you’re such a sweetheart and you’re what makes me smile  <3

 **t a o** this is already the nicest conversation to ever take place in this chat

 **bacon** i wanna go next hang on

 **bacon** chanyeol i love you lots you’re so beautiful inside and out i can’t imagine life without you

 **modern-style elf** i love you too baek you’re so so cute and you make me laugh and i just adore everything about you

 **fetus** Luhan you’re so gorgeous and I love you and you make me happy when I’m sad

 **lu** i fucking love you sehun and i want to spend the rest of my life with you

 **lay me down** wow luhan saying something not sexual

 **lay me down** that’s rare

 **bacon** reminds me of that one meme with the steak

 **satan** oh my god

 **rawr XD** alright i’m gonna be pure for a sec

 **rawr XD** minseok you’re so beautiful and you light up my life i love you to death

 **Minnie** I love you too Dae

 **Minnie** You’re absolutely stunning and hilarious and perfect overall

 **Minnie** Whenever I look at you I can’t but feel like the luckiest man alive

 **$uho** I knew you had it in you!!

 **Minnie** That was strange but good

 **satan** should i talk about jongin

 **modern-style elf** sure

 **satan** okay

 **satan** i love him so much he’s so precious and honestly just knowing he exists makes life worth living

 **bacon** i didn’t know you could feel happiness

 **satan** i’d feel it more if i wasn’t friends with you

 **bacon** love you too bestie

 **lay me down** wow all this couple stuff

 **lay me down** i feel left out

 **t a o** same

 **galaxy boi** why don’t you two just date

 **lay me down** i guess we could

 **lay me down** i’d be fine with that

 **t a o** oh

 **t a o** i mean

 **lay me down** should we discuss this in private?

 **t a o** yeah that’d be good

 **rawr XD** wOAH

 **lu** yifan, a matchmaker????

 **galaxy boi** perhaps

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay originally i wasn't gonna put taolay in here but i am smol and weak and have no willpower  
> also the comments need to cleansed too so leave a wholesome comment (or don't lmao junmyeon ain't here)


	10. you son of a cricket

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS CHAPTER'S SO SHORT KMS  
> also i was looking through the ship tags to add taolay and,,,,, tao x namjoon is a thing?????? i am confusion  
> edit: i just looked and there's only one fic for that ship BUT STILL

**t a o** do you ever do something you haven’t done in forever and you remember how much you missed it

 **satan** care to elaborate there

 **t a o** sex

 **satan** ah

 **lu** you guys fucked?

 **lay me down** yep

 **galaxy boi** i feel so successful

 **Minnie** Yifan did something for once holy shit

 **galaxy boi** fight me

 **Minnie** Square up bitch

 **fetus** Don’t do this in the group chat guys

 **modern-style elf** so is this like a fuckbuddy-type thing or

 **t a o** nah

 **lay me down** that was originally the plan but

 **lay me down** we talked and we were like

 **lay me down** “oh”

 **lay me down** “we have feelings”

 **lay me down** and stuff

 **lay me down** so

 **bacon** wE hAvE fEeLiNgS

 **rawr XD** oh my god

 **$uho** Well I’m happy for you two

 **t a o** we should’ve thought of this sooner tbh

 **lay me down** better late than never though

 **bacon** single pringles no more

 **$uho** Never say “single pringles” again

 **bacon** SINGLE PRINGLES

 **satan** file that under ‘cringy phrases used by the dumbasses in this godforsaken chat’

 **Minnie** Along with “r00d” and “REKT”

 **rawr XD** wait a minute

 **rawr XD** i’m the one who said ‘r00d’

 **Minnie** Yeah I know

 **rawr XD** square tf UP minseok

 **galaxy boi** you two are weird

 **rawr XD** listen here you son of a cricket

 **rawr XD** we’re not here to be judged

 **modern-style elf** what did you just call him??

 **rawr XD** you can’t judge me either you fucking walnut

 **t  a o** wtf are your insults

 **rawr XD** amazing

 **rawr XD** you tuna fish sandwich

 **lay me down** i am genuinely confused

 **rawr XD** that’s the goal

 **Minnie** You’re stupid why do I love you

 **bacon** good question

 **rawr XD** EXCUSE ME

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> told you it was short  
> sorryyyyyy ㅠ_ㅠ  
> yell at me in the comments


	11. baekhyun loves snsd

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jongin has arrived  
> now the party can begin

**modern-style elf** guys

 **t a o** yeah

 **modern-style elf** i just realized we can add jongin to this chat

 **galaxy boi** oh

 **fetus** Why have we not done that yet

 **modern-style elf** idk

 **_satan_ ** **added** **_KAA_ ** **to the chat**

 **KAA** Hey!

 **bacon** sup bitch

 **KAA** Oh

 **satan** ignore him bby

 **bacon** okay i will

 **rawr XD** ahahaha

 **_satan_ ** **removed** **_bacon_ ** **from the chat**

 **KAA** Oh

 **lay me down** it’s weird here but you’ll get used to it

 **lay me down** don’t worry

 **Minnie** Nobody add him back

 **Minnie** Ever

 **modern-style elf** he’s been replaced by jongin

 **KAA** Oh

 **$uho** Suddenly I feel at peace

 **$uho** All is good in the world now

 **fetus** We don’t have long before he starts spamming us separately though

 **rawr XD** he’s already spamming me

 **rawr XD** [1 Image Attachment]

 **t a o** same

 **KAA** Why does it seem like this kind of thing happens a lot?

 **satan** bc it does

 **KAA** Oh

 **galaxy boi** fun drinking game: take a shot every time jongin says ‘oh’

 **modern-style elf** OH OH OH OPPA I LOVE YOU

 **t a o** AH AH AH AH SO MUCH SO MUCH

 **fetus** SNSD is shook

 **Minnie** Yifan if you did that you’d get alcohol poisoning

 **KAA** Hey -_-

 **KAA** What’s wrong with saying “oh” a lot?

 **$uho** OH OH OH OPPA I LOVE YOU

 **satan** n o

 **rawr XD** AH AH AH AH SO MUCH SO MUCH

 **satan** don’t make me remove you too

 **_rawr XD_ ** **added** **_bacon_ ** **to the chat**

 **rawr XD** BAEKHYUN HELP US SING SNSD SONGS

 **bacon** my time,,,, has come,,,,,,,,,,,

 **satan** oh no

 **bacon** AYO STOP

 **bacon** LEMME PUT IT DOWN ANOTHER WAY

 **bacon** I GOT A BOY A COOL ONE

 **bacon** I GOT A BOY A KIND ONE

 **bacon** I GOT A BOY HANDSOME BOY WHO TOOK ALL MY HEART

 **bacon** I GOT A BOY A COOL ONE

 **bacon** I GOT A BOY A KIND ONE

 **bacon** I GOT A BOY AWESOME BOY GUESS I’VE FALLEN FOR HIM

 **modern-style elf** can you believe baek invented singing snsd songs

 **galaxy boi** w h i p p e d

 **modern-style elf** oh I’M whipped??

 **modern-style elf** “i love junmyeon so much i don’t even deserve him he’s just so cute and caring and generally wonderful and everytime he smiles i want to cry bc it’s so beautiful”

 **galaxy boi** that

 **galaxy boi** was a moment of weakness

 **$uho** I thought it was sweet

 **galaxy boi** <3

 **$uho** <3

 **KAA** I’m confused

 **satan** i’ll update you on all the stuff that’s happened don’t worry

 **KAA** Okay

 **fetus** So now what

 **bacon** DON’T STOP

 **bacon** LET’S BRING IT BACK TO 1:40

 **satan** FUCK

 **bacon** I GOT A BOY A COOL ONE

 **bacon** I GOT A BOY A KIND ONE

 **bacon** I GOT A BOY HANDSOME BOY WHO TOOK ALL MY HEART

 **bacon** I GOT A BOY A COOL ONE

 **bacon** I GOT A BOY A KIND ONE

 **bacon** I GOT A BOY AWESOME BOY GUESS I’VE FALLEN FOR HIM

 **lay me down** allow me to educate you on the BEST snsd song

 **satan** don’t do it

 **lay me down** AHA

 **lay me down** LISTEN BOY

 **satan** he did it

 **lay me down** MY FIRST LOVE STORY

 **Minnie** MY ANGEL

 **Minnie** AND MY GIRLS

 **Minnie** MY SUNSHINE

 **Minnie** UH UH LET’S GO

 **t a o** i didn’t know minseok liked snsd

 **rawr XD** oh you have no idea

 **Minnie** Don't expose me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gee is the best snsd song don't @ me  
> anyway


	12. nice skirt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> luhan is the kinkiest and i love him

**lu** you guys wanna see the prettiest thing ever

 **bacon** i’ve looked in a mirror before, luhan

 **t a o** he said prettiest not ugliest

 **Minnie** Ooh snap

 **bacon** i hate you all

 **lu** well i didn’t hear a no

 **lu** [1 Image Attachment]

 **lay me down** christ

 **fetus** I TOLD YOU NOT TO SHOW ANYONE

 **lu** sorry baby

 **lu** i wanted to show you off

 **modern-style elf** nice skirt

 **Minnie** I can’t believe you bought the fucking kinky outfit

 **galaxy boi** it looks very different on sehun than it did in the picture

 **satan** well sehun isn’t a tiny-waisted girl

 **satan** i would assume it looks different on different people

 **modern-style elf** well we can only that for sure if someone else wears it

 **$uho** I volunteer

 **t a o** as tribute?????

 **bacon** mAy ThE oDdS bE eVeR iN yOuR fAvOr

 **lay me down** junmyeon is kinky wow

 **$uho** Dressing up isn’t kinky!

 **Minnie** Yes it is

 **$uho** Well it’s not as kinky as I’m sure you are

 **Minnie** I mean that’s true but still

 **rawr XD** the fact that junmyeon is willing to dress up as a schoolgirl is odd

 **$uho** Just for the sake of science!!

 **fetus** Lies

 **$uho** And I feel like dressing up as a schoolgirl is weird :/

 **modern-style elf** well that’s part of the holy trinity of kinky outfits

 **$uho**  Then what are the other two

 **bacon** this is basic information hyung how do you not know

 **$uho** Because I’m not kinky!

 **bacon** okay sure

 **bacon** whatever

 **fetus** The other outfits would probably be either a nurse

 **fetus** Or a maid

 **$uho** Nurse? That’s weirder to me

 **Minnie** Well what about maid

 **$uho** Eh

 **$uho** If I had to pick one I’d probably go with that

 **galaxy boi** holy shit

 **t a o** i think yifan's close to death

 **galaxy boi** i’m close

 **galaxy boi** but in a different way

 **modern-style elf** OH FUCK

 **rawr XD** damn yifan already finna bust a nut

 **rawr XD** junmyeon idk if you can actually do this

 **rawr XD** you won’t be able to walk for a week

 **galaxy boi** i want to deny that but i really can’t

 **KAA** Oh gosh

 **bacon** okay not to sound like i’m being disloyal or stealing anyone’s man or something but

 **bacon** i was looking at the picture again and

 **bacon** 1) that skirt is shorter than kyungsoo wtf

 **satan** BITCH

 **bacon** 2) sehun has some nice thighs tbh how did i never notice

 **bacon** 3) are his hands tied up???????????

 **lu** 1) ikr i didn’t even have to take it off him

 **lu** 2) fuck off those nice thighs are for me only

 **lu** 3) yeah

 **KAA** I never knew Sehun was into that kind of stuff

 **fetus** ;)

 **lay me down** that was certainly an interesting image

 **lay me down** but you wanna see the REAL prettiest picture?

 **$uho** This could go one of two ways

 **lay me down** [1 Image Attachment]

 **$uho** Thank god

 **t a o** i’m gonna assume you took that yesterday

 **lay me down** yep

 **t a o** i never agreed to that >:c

 **lay me down** you looked so pretty!! i had to

 **bacon** you went out for ice cream??? wiTHOUT ME????

 **t a o** it was a date why tf would we bring you

 **bacon** BECAUSE I LIKE ICE CREAM

 **satan** that’s not a good enough reason dumbass

 **rawr XD** you got strawberry??

 **t a o** yeah what about it

 **rawr XD** l a m e

 **galaxy boi** what flavor do you get

 **Minnie** He likes cookie dough

 **rawr XD** as do all intellectuals

 **modern-style elf** tao how do you look so nice

 **modern-style elf** in a picture that you didn’t even know was being taken??

 **t a o** i always look nice bitch

 **$uho** Love the confidence

 **modern-style elf** can’t relate

 **bacon** do you want me to show them

 **modern-style elf** go ahead

 **bacon** k

 **bacon** [1 Image Attachment]

 **KAA** Not to be mean but yikes

 **KAA** That is a bad photo

 **modern-style elf** i can’t even get mad bc you’re right

 **satan** do i want to know where that’s from

 **modern-style elf** i don’t even remember

 **modern-style elf** i’ve blocked it out

 **lay me down** i don’t blame you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's okay yeol, i'm not photogenic either  
> also [sehun's thighs](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/1b/25/fe/1b25fe13f4e2e20091f8dbd9ad6f59ac.jpg) seriously are nice


	13. chanyeol gets exposed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is 413 words long :::;)  
> ...  
> i hope none of you understood that reference

**modern-style elf** hey baek

 **modern-style elf** guess what's on the menu tonight

 **bacon** what

 **modern-style elf** me n u

 **_satan_ ** **removed** **_modern-style elf_ ** **from the chat**

 **lu** HAHAHA

 **fetus** Good

 **satan** you’re welcome

 **galaxy boi** quick let’s talk about him while he’s gone

 **bacon** yessss

 **bacon** i got some kinky tea to spill

 **$uho** Oh

 **bacon** okay so

 **bacon** last night

 **_KAA_ ** **added** **_modern-style elf_ ** **to the chat**

 **t a o** DAMMIT

 **satan** jongin why

 **modern-style elf** can’t get rid of my puns that easily

 **lay me down** oh

 **lay me down** yeah

 **lay me down** that’s why we’re mad that you’re back

 **_Minnie_ ** **removed** **_modern-style elf_ ** **from the chat**

 **Minnie** Quick make another chat

 **bacon** k one sec

 **rawr XD** jongin you better not snitch

 **KAA** I won’t!!

 **KAA** I wanna hear the gossip too

 **lu** gossip is for grown-ups only

 **galaxy boi** well then sehun can’t hear any

 **lu** allow me to correct myself

 **lu** gossip is for those who are worthy

 **fetus** And I’m worthy

 **satan** wrong but ok

 **bacon** chat’s made

 **t a o** lit

 **_$uho_ ** **added** **_modern-style elf_ ** **to the chat**

 **modern-style elf** can you guys stop removing me now

 **bacon** of course bby

 **bacon** we’re sorry

 **rawr XD** i’m not

 **modern-style elf** fuck you

 **rawr XD** rude

 **$uho** Baekhyun you’re such a snake

 **modern-style elf** what makes you say that

 **bacon** yeah

 **bacon** i have done no wrong

 **KAA** That’s a lie

 **bacon** fair enough

 **Minnie** So Chanyeol

 **Minnie** Done anything interesting recently?

 **modern-style elf** uh

 **modern-style elf** not really

 **Minnie** Alright

 **bacon** minseok don’t

 **modern-style elf** don’t what???

 **lay me down** nothing

 **galaxy boi** yeah they’re just being dumbasses as usual

 **modern-style elf** oh

 **modern-style elf** okay

 **t a o** so chanyeol

 **t a o** what’s your favorite animal?

 **modern-style elf** uh

 **modern-style elf** that’s kinda random

 **modern-style elf** and it’s hard for me to pick

 **modern-style elf** but i really like dogs

 **t a o** you sure you don’t prefer………

 **t a o** cats???????

 **modern-style elf** i’m confused

 **rawr XD** lmaooo

 **$uho** Is it bad that I’m enjoying this?

 **KAA** No

 **KAA** The rest of us are too

 **modern-style elf** enjoying what??

 **modern-style elf** i don’t get it

 **lu** i’m cackling this is the best

 **modern-style elf** please i’m so so confused

 **fetus** Baekhyun exposed your kinks in another chat

 **bacon** SEHUN YOU FUCK

 **Minnie** SNITCHES GET STITCHES

 **modern-style elf** BAEK!!!!!!

 **modern-style elf** how could you?????????

 **bacon** uh

 **bacon** GOTTA KRIS

 **galaxy boi** wait what

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comment if you want sehun to get the stitches he deserves  
> or just leave one bc i've been too lazy to ask recently so nobody comments anymore  
> also nobody cares but i feel like i'm dying so a comment would be a nice pick-me-up


	14. the Other Thing™

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and so chanyeol's kink is exposed to the readers too  
> i'm too young to know about kinky shit, and yet,

**galaxy boi** friendly reminder chanyeol’s into pet play

**lay me down** that’s a weird way of saying hello

**modern-style elf** how do you know that??

**galaxy boi** baekhyun exposed you

**galaxy boi** remember

**KAA** Then Sehun snitched

**KAA** And you all thought I would be the one who ratted you out!!!

**KAA** Smh

**modern-style elf** i forgot about that tbh

**bacon** I ALREADY MADE IT UP TO YOU SO YOU CAN’T GET MAD

**modern-style elf** i know

**modern-style elf** that was a good blowjob

**bacon** damn right

**modern-style elf** but i didn’t know that was what you told them

**modern-style elf** i thought you told them about the Other Thing™

**bacon** fuck no

**bacon** neither of us would ever hear the end of it if they knew

**rawr XD** if we knew what???????

**bacon** shit

**bacon** forgot we were in the group chat for a sec there

**bacon** ignore me

**lay me down** chanyeol’s got a weirder kink than pet play???

**lu** what is it

**fetus** Luhan

**fetus** Come back to bed

**fetus** I’m tired

**lu** i don’t need sleep bby

**lu** i need ANSWERS

**modern-style elf** not gonna get any

**Minnie** Baekhyun

**bacon** no

**Minnie** Damn

**Minnie** Can’t you at least hear me out?

**bacon** no

**Minnie** Fair enough

**t a o** if kyungsoo agrees to fuck will you tell us

**satan** TAO WHAT THE FUCK

**bacon** i’d consider it

**bacon** but then i’d say no

**satan** thank god

**modern-style elf** why do you guys care what my kinks are

**modern-style elf** i know you have your own

**$uho** I don’t

**KAA** I feel like that’s a lie

**rawr XD** probably is but who cares

**rawr XD** baekhyun has something he wants to tell us

**modern-style elf** no he doesn’t

**bacon** yes i do

**rawr XD** oh shit really

**bacon** “fuck you”

**bacon** that’s what i wanted to tell you

**galaxy boi** fuck

**bacon** YOU GOT PLAYED

**lay me down** hey

**lay me down** if you won’t tell us bc you’re embarrassed

**lay me down** then just know none of us are gonna judge you

**satan** i will

**lay me down** shUSH

**lay me down** i’m trying to negotiate here

**modern-style elf** it’s not working

**lu** you tried, yixing

**t a o** why would you mention having a weird kink and then not tell us???

**t a o** you’re just taunting us

**modern-style elf** i am under NO obligation

**modern-style elf** to tell you my fucking kinks

**fetus** But that’s what friends do!!

**$uho**  Not normal friends

**Minnie** Well we’re not normal friends so

**$uho** Touché

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't ask me what the other kink is bc idk  
> also i added chapter titles bc why not


	15. not a furry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sehun finally gets what he deserves  
> are y'all happy now

**fetus** Good morning and Chanyeol is a furry

 **rawr XD** OH MY GOD

 **modern-style elf** first of all, no i’m not

 **modern-style elf** second, are you guys really gonna use my kinks as a way of saying hi

 **lay me down** first of all, don’t deny it

 **lay me down** second, yeah

 **modern-style elf** insert deep sigh

 **galaxy boi** you are lowkey a furry, dude

 **modern-style elf** well if that makes me a furry

 **modern-style elf** can you blame me????

 **modern-style elf** baekhyun looks so cute with cat ears

 **modern-style elf** and a tail

 **modern-style elf** and a collar

 **t a o** don’t keep going

 **$uho** Yeah nobody wants to hear this

 **modern-style elf** wELL

 **modern-style elf** NOBODY WANTED TO SEE SEHUN IN A SKIRT WITH HIS HANDS BOUND

 **modern-style elf** AND YET

 **KAA** I wanted to see that

 **lu** WHAT

 **satan** WHAT

 **fetus** ;)

 **bacon** looks like i’m not the only unfaithful bitch in this chat

 **t a o** gotta love how sehun is totally dtf

 **Minnie** He’s a snitch AND a hoe

 **Minnie** Damn

 **satan** that reminds me

 **satan** nobody ever kicked your ass for being a rat

 **fetus** Lmao

 **fetus** Are you gonna

 **satan** actually

 **satan** yes

 **fetus** WAIT NO

 **rawr XD** good

 **KAA** I shouldn’t be laughing but I am

 **galaxy boi** luhan aren’t you gonna stop him

 **lu** nah

 **lu** i love sehun very much

 **lu** but he deserves this

 **fetus** HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT

 **lu** how can i say?

 **$uho** I hate me now~

 **rawr XD** don’t ruin day6

 **bacon** make jae not hungry

 **satan** day6 is the shit

 **lay me down** kyungsoo aren’t you supposed to be murdering sehun

 **satan** i would be but he locked the door

 **Minnie** That’s some pussy-ass shit Sehun

 **modern-style elf** why did i read that in a thugisa voice

 **Minnie** What

 **modern-style elf** what

 **fetus** Stop knocking I’m not letting you in

 **satan** well i’m getting in one way or another

 **bacon** how about my chopsticks

 **satan** bring them to me

 **bacon** bossy

 **bacon** but aight i’ll be there in a sec

 **lu** rip sehun

 **lu** i’ll miss you

 **$uho** We’ll plan a nice funeral

 **rawr XD** hope you’re ready to be dead

 **rawr XD** because then you have to be in the

 **rawr XD** S K E L E T O N W A R

 **t a o** you can’t talk about that if it’s not october!!!!!

 **rawr XD** but i

 **rawr XD** just

 **rawr XD** did

 **galaxy boi** savage

 **bacon** i picked sehun’s lock

 **bacon** kyungsoo’s in

 **modern-style elf** that’s what he fucking gets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> STAN DAY6 STAN TALENT  
> also i have nothing against furries pls don't misinterpret  
> well i mean i think they're a little odd but  
> whatever  
> ignore me


	16. it was an accident

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fic gets worse with every chapter

**modern-style elf** fun fact: baekhyun once got a boner bc of his dad

**$uho** What the fuck

**bacon** CHANYEOL YOU CUNT

**bacon** YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO TELL ANYONE

**modern-style elf** WELL YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO TELL ANYONE ABOUT MY KINK

**modern-style elf** REVENGE, BITCH

**bacon** I MADE IT UP TO YOU THOUGH

 **modern-style elf** STILL

**KAA** Please please please tell me that sounds worse than it is

**bacon** it does okay bc it was an accident

**bacon** he just kinda brushed against my dick?? i’m not explaining it right but

**t a o** thank god

**galaxy boi** i’m deeply uncomfortable

**bacon** how do you think i felt

**fetus** Aroused?

**bacon** FJSKSJDS

**bacon** GO FUCK YOURSELF SEHUN

**fetus** Why fuck myself when Luhan can do it for me

**rawr XD** damn

**lay me down** oh my god

**satan** baekhyun i can never look at you or your dad ever again

**bacon** it! was! an! accident!

**satan** still

**bacon** chanyeol what have you done

**modern-style elf** gotten even

**Minnie** But at what cost

**lu** well would kyungsoo even want to look at baekhyun or his dad in the first place

**satan** no to baekhyun

**satan** maybe to his dad

**bacon** thanks soo

**rawr XD** in baekhyun’s defense

**rawr XD** the rest of you can’t tell me you’ve never gotten a weird boner

**lay me down** well never bc of my dad

**fetus** Jongin don’t hate for telling them this but

**fetus** One time, he got a boner

**fetus** Then his dog jumped on his lap and was moving around a lot

**fetus** And, well……

**t a o** i literally cringed while reading that

**t a o** gross

**KAA** Kyungsoo can you beat up Sehun again

**fetus** NO

**fetus** My arm still hurts like fuck

**$uho** Kyungsoo what did you even do to him

**bacon** what did do do

**satan** shut up byun

**Minnie** So we’re using family names now?

**Minnie** That’s gonna get confusing

**rawr XD** no it won’t kim

**$uho** Well Kim I think it will

**KAA** I agree with Kim

**Minnie** Nobody asked for your opinion Kim

**modern-style elf** yikes

**fetus** Fuck you Park

**modern-style elf** fight me oh

**lay me down** break it up guys

**galaxy boi** zhang just let them fight

**t a o** yeah, what wu said

**lu** stay out of it huang

**satan** stop

**bacon** no do

**satan** you’re the bane of my existence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk what this is but chanyeol got even with baekhyun so  
> leave a comment bc that'd be nice


	17. the kids are still bitter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't think of a clever note i'm too tired  
> i spent all yesterday at my friend's birthday party and after i had an emotional breakdown that lasted like 3 hours so

**KAA** Shopping is hard

**Minnie** True

**Minnie** But what makes you say that

**KAA** I’m shopping

**KAA** Duh

**lay me down** why are you shopping

**KAA** Because

**KAA** I need clothes?

**lay me down** well

**lay me down** yeah

**modern-style elf** you think he’s shopping for fun????

**lay me down** nobody shops for fun

**lu** some people do

**lu** i don’t really get why but they do it

**$uho** Shopping can be okay depending on what you’re shopping for

**galaxy boi** i like shopping… 

**bacon** you’re crazy

**KAA** Idk if I should get this shirt or not

**rawr XD** lemme see

**KAA** [1 Image Attachment]

**KAA** Yay or nay

**rawr XD** looks good

**satan** hey

**satan** stop trying to steal my man

**rawr XD** bOI

**rawr XD** YOUR

**rawr XD** MAN

**rawr XD** IS

**rawr XD** UGLY!!

**KAA** That seems uncalled for

**rawr XD** I DON’T WANT HIM

**satan** ugly?

**satan** [1 Image Attachment]

**satan** [1 Image Attachment]

**satan** [1 Image Attachment]

**satan** bitch where

**rawr XD** [1 Image Attachment]

**rawr XD** right there

**KAA** THAT WAS A CONFIDENTIAL IMAGE

**bacon** AHAHAHAHA

**$uho** Oh wow

**lu** wtf jongin

**satan** suddenly i’m single

**KAA** I can’t believe I’m being cyberbullied

**rawr XD** this is why you shouldn’t send me pictures on snapchat

**t a o** noted

**KAA** I’m gonna end our streak just for this

**rawr XD** no you won’t

**KAA** You’re right I won’t

**satan** smh jongin

**satan** you gotta follow through with your threats

**satan** like i do

**bacon** i still have a scar from when you threw your fork at me

**satan** no regrets

**$uho** I’m raising a psychopath

**modern-style elf** more like you adopted a psychopath

**$uho** WILL YOU EVER LET THAT GO

**t a o** no

**t a o** we’re emotionally damaged ffs

**galaxy boi** you shouldn’t have told them

**$uho** We would’ve had to eventually

**Minnie** Or you could’ve kept it a secret

**Minnie** Only for us to find the adoption papers in the attic one day

**Minnie** Leading us to wonder who our real parents are

**Minnie** And as we go on a wacky journey to find them

**Minnie** We’re pursued by government agents trying to keep the truth from us

**rawr XD** i think we should stop doing movie nights

**Minnie** Noooooo

**modern-style elf** i’d watch that movie tbh

**fetus** What would you call it

**modern-style elf** uh

**modern-style elf** idk

**lay me down** you took so long to type that i was expecting a great title and then you just

**modern-style elf** can YOU think of a good title???

**lay me down** yeah

**lu** what is it

**lay me down** exodus

**lay me down** bc it means ‘a mass departure of people’

**lay me down** and we’d be departing from our adopted family

**bacon** woah

**$uho** You guys are so dramatic

**t a o** maybe our real parents would’ve raised us not to be

**$uho** I-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave a comment please okay bye


	18. random screaming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is super short and stupid but i really want to keep these updates daily so!!

**rawr XD** @ minseok chanyeol and jongin:

**rawr XD** do you guys hear screaming too

**modern-style elf** yeah

**KAA** Yeah

**Minnie** I’m not home so

**$uho** You seem very calm about random screaming

**KAA** In this house it’s a normal occurrence

**Minnie** It was Baekhyun wasn’t it

**modern-style elf** probably

**galaxy boi** does kyungsoo have anything to do with it

**satan** i did 

**bacon** meanie

**satan** well you deserved it asshole

**fetus** What’d he do

**satan** broke into my fucking shower again

**lu** pervert

**t a o** says you

**lay me down** ooooooh

**lu** what the fuck are you trying to say huh

**t a o** you know exactly what i’m saying

**lu** -_-

**galaxy boi** wait

**galaxy boi** “he broke into my shower again”

**galaxy boi** again???

**satan** again

**satan** it’s a problem

**bacon** i like showering with you though

**modern-style elf** thanks babe

**bacon** well i like showering with you if i’m horny

**$uho** I feel like we need to have an intervention for Baekhyun

**fetus** Or we could just do this

**fetus** Baekhyun stop being a hoe

**bacon** wow

**bacon** suddenly i’m cured

**lay me down** cured

**lay me down** like it’s a disease

**bacon** yea

**bacon** i suffered from thot-itis

**bacon** but i’ve been healed

**t a o** is thot-itis contagious?????

**KAA** Idk but if it is I think Luhan caught it

**lu** WOW NOBODY TOLD ME IT WAS ‘ATTACK LUHAN’ DAY

**Minnie** You just came out here to have a good time

**lu** don’t meme me now minseok

**rawr XD** always meme him

**fetus** Since when is ‘meme’ a verb

**lu** since i said so

**$uho** How do we get off-topic in every single conversation

**galaxy boi** it’s a talent

**satan** the conversation went from screams to memes

**modern-style elf** holy shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> writing chapters for this fic is so hard oh my god  
> bc i gotta think of what it should be about and then i gotta write that (making it funny and shit) and it's hard to make sure everyone gets a good amount of messages  
> but it's worth it bc y'all like it


	19. who's the cutest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk what to put here i'm not very creative today  
> (i stg if anyone mentions dhmis i'll kms)

**$uho** Guys

**$uho** Important question

**KAA** What

**$uho** Who’s the cutest couple

**bacon** jonghyun and kibum

**$uho** I meant in this chat

**bacon** oh

**galaxy boi** honestly babe i think it’s you and i

**satan** you two are pretty cute

**rawr XD** okay yeah but what about me and minseok

**rawr XD** [1 Image Attachment]

**rawr XD** look at that cute shit

**Minnie** Oh my god no

**Minnie** I hate that picture

**rawr XD** why

**rawr XD** it’s cute

**Minnie** Yeah

**Minnie** And that’s embarrassing

**fetus** Well cuteness is also the fucking point isn’t it

**lu** minseok’s just embarrassed bc he’s not cute enough to beat this

**lu** [1 Image Attachment]

**modern-style elf** lmaooo

**fetus** What the fuck are you laughing at

**modern-style elf** idek

**modern-style elf** i’m just not used to seeing you act cute

**t a o** that’s bc he’s ugly

**fetus** FIGHT ME

**lay me down** fucking destroyed

**fetus** You’re just saying that because he’s your boyfriend

**lay me down** well it was a pretty good roast

**lay me down** but i suppose i’m a little biased

**lay me down** we’re a cute couple like that

**galaxy boi** oh my god

**KAA** I think me and Kyungsoo are pretty cute

**bacon** *kyungsoo and i

**modern-style elf** you and kyungsoo aren’t a couple

**t a o** AHAHAHAHA

**bacon** wooooow 

**modern-style elf** i’m hilarious, i know

**Minnie** So you two clearly aren’t in the running for cutest couple 

**bacon** yeah

**modern-style elf** we’re cute!!

**bacon** only sometimes

**modern-style elf** that’s true

**lu** but who’s the cutest

**rawr XD** i say we vote

**$uho** It’s not that serious

**$uho** I was just wondering

**satan** still lowkey think it’s you and yifan

**t a o** you’d be a cuter couple if yifan wasn’t ugly

**KAA** What is with you today

**galaxy boi** he’s not wrong

**galaxy boi** like

**galaxy boi** how do i install an attractive face

**$uho** Oh come on

**$uho** Everyone knows you can't install software already on the device

**t a o** SLICK

**rawr XD** damn

**rawr XD** if you get any smoother i'll slip and fall on my ass

**Minnie** Then I wanna be the floor

**modern-style elf** OH MY GOD

**bacon** so we have a tie for cutest couple

**bacon** minseok and jongdae vs junmyeon and yifan

**lay me down** now we should vote

**lay me down** i’m going with junmyeon and yifan

**satan** same

**fetus** Same

**modern-style elf** same

**lu** same

**rawr XD** same

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave a comment dweebs  
> jk i love y'all


	20. according to all known laws of aviation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aight so before y'all read the chapter i just wanna say that from now on it's really unlikely that i'll be posting daily bc i've just been having a hard time writing lately and also school's starting soon so i won't have as much time for this fic as i've had before  
> but like pls don't abandon this fic it's not dead!!  
> and you can keep up with me on [tumblr](http://www.alright-ellie.tumblr.com) or [twitter](http://www.twitter.com/alright_ellie) if you feel like it  
> we can even be mutuals if you want like just comment your account on either site and i'll follow

**modern-style elf** guys i lost yixing

 **KAA** How

 **modern-style elf** idek

 **lay me down** where did you last see him

 **satan**...

 **$uho** What are you on

 **lay me down** the couch

 **modern-style elf** holy shit me too

 **$uho** No like

 **$uho** How high are you

 **modern-style elf** 185 cm

 **lay me down** we get it man you’re tall

 **lay me down** no need to rub it in

 **fetus** Whose turn was it to keep an eye on them

 **galaxy boi** uh

 **$uho** YIFAN

 **galaxy boi** i shouldn’t have to babysit two grown men!!

 **bacon** oh come on

 **bacon** we all know they’re only adults on the outside

 **lay me down** psych we’re not high

 **modern-style elf** YOU THOUGHT

 **lu** i still think

 **t a o** yeah i don’t believe you

 **t a o** tell us the truth or else

 **lay me down** or else what?

 **satan** i could kill you

 **t a o** i was thinking something milder

 **rawr XD** i could send you the entire bee movie script

 **$uho** Oh geez

 **$uho** My phone lagged so much the last time you did that to me

 **Minnie** Mine too

 **bacon** According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don’t care about what humans think is impossible.   
[show more]

 **satan** MOCTHERFICKER

 **satan** I CAN’R TYOE RIFHT MY PGONE IS LAGGINF SO MUVH

 **bacon** heheh

 **lay me down** you’re a dick

 **fetus** Well you are what you eat

 **galaxy boi** AHAHAHA

 **Minnie** No wonder people call me an asshole

 **modern-style elf** OH

 **lu** oh mY GOD

 **$uho** Why is it always Minseok who says things like this

 **Minnie** Who knows

 **Minnie** I’m a fucking mystery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the super long note at the beginning but like a girl's gotta say what a girl's gotta say  
> also this chapter sucked so sorry for that too


	21. someBODY ONCE TOLD ME

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello friends i'm back!! i haven't even been gone very long lmao but it's felt like forever to me  
> school starts on monday so i wanted to post something before then just to let y'all know  
> i'll post as often as i can but like homework and studying and life all exist so idk how often that'll actually be  
> and just an fyi before you read the chapter: shrek 2 is the best don't argue with me on this one

**KAA** Who agrees that Shrek 2 is superior to the original

**$uho** Why

**KAA** Kyungsoo refuses to admit the TRUTH so

**satan** SHREK IS A CLASSIC MOVIE JONGIN

**KAA** YEAH BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN IT’S GOOD

**bacon** shrek 2 was the one with artie right

**galaxy boi** no that was the third one

**galaxy boi** and the fourth one had rumplestiltskin

**modern-style elf** the fourth one sucked 

**Minnie** Agreed

**rawr XD** the second one had the fairy godmother singing so obviously it’s the best

**KAA** THANK YOU

**fetus** If that’s the only reason you like it then that says a lot

**rawr XD** well why do you like the first one better

**fetus** All Star

**fetus** Duh

**$uho** He makes a compelling argument

**modern-style elf** oh my god

**lay me down** the first shrek was the best fight me

**bacon** the first one lowkey sucked dude just admit it

**modern-style elf** i personally liked 3 best but 2 was better than 1

**Minnie** I like the second one the most

**galaxy boi** yeah same

**$uho** Me too

**satan** you’re all fools

**lu** yeah the first one is gr8

**t a o** idk man i like them both

**KAA** Join the side of truth Tao

**lay me down** if you don’t take my side i won’t do that tongue thing you like

**t a o** …

**t a o** actually the first one was the best

**rawr XD** OH MY GOD

**bacon** that was bribery so it doesn’t count as a vote for 1

**bacon** although 2 would win even if it did count

**Minnie** We may disagree on which movie is better

**Minnie** But there’s one thing that we all must admit

**lu** and what would that be?

**Minnie** All Star is a masterpiece

**modern-style elf** someBODY ONCE TOLD ME

**$uho** THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME

**galaxy boi** I AIN’T THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED

**lu** SHE WAS LOOKING KIND OF DUMB

**satan** WITH HER FINGER AND HER THUMB

**lay me down** IN THE SHAPE OF AN L ON HER FOREHEAD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that was dumb like me lmao  
> well leave a comment to motivate me in my studies bc i assure you i'll need it  
> aight adios and ily <3


	22. live fast die young

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> baekhyun in this chapter represents the level of broke i am from buying too many kpop songs on itunes

**bacon** there are so many weirdos here

 **bacon** i feel threatened

 **lay me down** where are you

 **bacon** the gas station

 **KAA** Why

 **bacon** bc i’m fucking hungry and they have snacks

 **KAA** Fair enough

 **bacon** there are chips on the floor should i eat them

 **rawr XD** no??

 **rawr XD** just buy some????

 **bacon** but that costs money

 **modern-style elf** yeah

 **modern-style elf** like

 **modern-style elf** two dollars

 **bacon** too expensive

 **$uho** You’re ridiculous

 **lu** steal the chips

 **lay me down** no!!!

 **lay me down** stealing is bad

 **lu** so am i

 **satan** live fast die young bad girls do it well

 **lu** that me

 **galaxy boi** i thought you were manly

 **lu** i can be manly and a bad girl

 **t a o** fuck genders

 **lu** yeah

 **t a o** yeah

 **fetus** This is why I love you

 **t a o** thank you sehun

 **Minnie** Lmaoooo

 **fetus** Go die in a hole

 **lay me down** don’t talk to tao that way

 **lu** don’t talk to sehun that way

 **satan** don’t talk at all

 **satan** just shut the fuck up

 **rawr XD** seconded

 **$uho** Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed

 **rawr XD** i did nOT

 **rawr XD** it’s just that you guys are blowing up my phone

 **rawr XD** and i can’t stalk people on instagram in peace

 **galaxy boi** you better not be stalking with my account

 **rawr XD** uh

 **galaxy boi** for fuck’s fucking sake

 **modern-style elf** dude just make your own insta

 **rawr XD** never

 **rawr XD** that godforsaken app doesn’t deserve me

 **Minnie** He has a point

 **bacon** it’s true that insta is lowkey hell but it isn’t true that jongdae’s too good for it

 **rawr XD** i’m too good for everything

 **rawr XD** including this chat

 **modern-style elf** then leave

 **t a o** OHHHHHH

 **rawr XD** wELL FINE

 **rawr XD** I KNOW WHEN I’M NOT WANTED

 **_rawr XD_ ** **left the chat**

 **$uho** Good

 **satan** good

 **lay me down** good

 **lu** good

 **KAA** Good

 **Minnie** Not good

 **_Minnie_ ** **added** **_rawr XD_ ** **to the chat**

 **rawr XD** nO

 **rawr XD** LET ME BE ANGSTY IN P E A C E

 **Minnie** Never

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that was dUMB but hey same  
> also just fyi 8th grade sucks ass and i miss last year  
> anyway leave me a comment pls it'll be really appreciated


	23. maid outfit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the first time i've appreciated a saturday since like may  
> i'll try to post tomorrow too bc like gotta maximize my free time right  
> i wish i could write at school but they spy on us through the wifi so,,,,,,,,  
> creepy, i know but like  
> what can i do (day6 starts playing in the distance)

**rawr XD** guys

**rawr XD** you will NOT BELIEVE

**modern-style elf** not believe what

**rawr XD** [1 Video Attachment]

**lay me down** oh

**t a o** jongdae what the fuck

**rawr XD** what

**t a o** why do you have that

**rawr XD** i just took it

**t a o** but whose voices are those

**rawr XD** junmyeon and yifan

**t a o** wHAT

**t a o** WHY WOULD YOU RECORD THAT

**rawr XD** for the blackmail

**satan** nice

**Minnie** Where even are you

**rawr XD** outside their room

**rawr XD** i’ve been staring at their door so long i think i have it memorized

**KAA** That’s kind of creepy

**bacon** it’s super creepy

**bacon** but it’s also fUCKING HILARIOUS

**lay me down** did you guys hear what i heard

**lu** if you heard them mention a maid outfit then yes i did

**lu** on a related note, i’m crying

**fetus** Can confirm

**fetus** Could you not cry though

**lu** i want to but i can’t make myself stop

**rawr XD** [1 Video Attachment]

**rawr XD** idk if the video accurately expresses it but they’re l o u d

**modern-style elf** how to erase my memory

**satan** you were right jongdae

**satan** i can’t believe it

**Minnie** Start believing

**rawr XD** [1 Video Attachment]

**rawr XD** half of me wants to leave and the other half says this is too good to miss

**t a o** audio is very poor quality

**t a o** two stars

**rawr XD** gEE SORRY

**rawr XD** LEMME JUST WALTZ IN THERE SO YOU CAN HEAR BETTER

**rawr XD** HAVE JUNMYEON MOAN RIGHT INTO THE MIC

**satan** woah

**satan** sore subject

**bacon** jongdae needs to chill

**lu** not as much as yifan needs to

**bacon** fair point

**rawr XD** speaking of yifan

**rawr XD** i think he just came

**rawr XD** so that’s my cue to skidoo right the fuck there

**bacon** your sacrifices have not gone unappreciated

**rawr XD** thank you

**fetus** Is anyone else aware that they’ll see this conversation

**lay me down** oh

**KAA** Rest in peace in pieces, Jongdae

**KAA** They’re gonna kill you

**rawr XD** not on my watch

**_rawr XD_ ** **removed** **_galaxy boi_ ** **and** **_$uho_ ** **from the chat**

**modern-style elf** they’ll never know

**_rawr XD_ ** **added** **_galaxy boi_ ** **and** **_$uho_ ** **to the chat**

**rawr XD** sorry you two

**rawr XD** that was an accident

**t a o** ;)

**$uho** Why is Tao winking

**Minnie** No idea

**Minnie** ;)

**galaxy boi** okay then…… 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave a comment or i'll nEVER POST AGAIN  
> nah i'm kidding but pls comment anyway thanks bye


	24. the smell of jealousy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey there demons it's me ya boy  
> 

**KAA** Have any of you see Yifan

**modern-style elf** why don’t you just ask him where he is

**KAA** He isn’t responding to my texts

**fetus** He’s with me

**lay me down** why

**fetus** We’re cuddling

**$uho** Why

**bacon** ooh shit

**bacon** y’all smell that??

**bacon** it’s jealousy

**$uho** It is not

**Minnie** Lies

**lu** sehun just answer the question

**fetus** It’s father-son bonding

**fetus** Clearly

**Minnie** More lies

**t a o** is yifan cheating??????

**$uho** Don’t be ridiculous

**$uho** He would never

**rawr XD** but would sehun

**fetus** Yeah

**lu** i’m gonna assume you’re joking

**galaxy boi** sehun said you guys were talking about me??

**galaxy boi** what’s up

**$uho** Are you cheating on me

**galaxy boi** oh no

**galaxy boi** i’ve been exposed

**lay me down** oh dear 

**$uho** Gasp

**$uho** You’ve been having an affair with Sehun?

**$uho** Out of everyone here?

**fetus** Rude

**galaxy boi** i didn’t want you to find out this way

**satan** i smell divorce

**bacon** omfg

**rawr XD** well!

**rawr XD** time to split up your possessions and decide the days we get to visit!

**lu** you seem oddly happy about this divorce

**rawr XD** hey

**rawr XD** you can’t spell split without lit

**rawr XD** so i’m the lit part of their split

**satan** you are literally one of the biggest idiots i’ve ever met 

**bacon** LITerally

**satan** and you’re the other biggest idiot

**t a o** you’re all forgetting the most important thing here

**t a o** who gets custody???

**KAA** Oh shit

**$uho** Me obviously

**fetus** Dammit

**fetus** I wanna go with Dad

**Minnie** Same

**satan** same

**lay me down** same

**bacon** we all wanna go with dad

**galaxy boi** lmao nah bitch bye

**_galaxy boi_ ** **left the chat**

**modern-style elf** i was right!!

**modern-style elf** deadbeat dad yifan

**$uho** I could’ve told you that

**lu** ooh shit

**lu** salty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> random question: on a scale of one to ten, how hyped are you for september 5th?? i preordered the repackage and i'm super excited for that but also afraid about the mv bc i don't trust sm  
> all in all i'm just ready to support my babies and i'm sure you all feel the same


	25. divide up the inheritance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who got like 3 hours of sleep but didn't mind bc she watched the mv as soon as it dropped?? yep it's me and i hate myself  
> however it was so good and exo being stupid made my entire year

**galaxy boi** i want daisies at my funeral

**satan** ….

**satan** okay??

**modern-style elf** what does that have to do with anything

**galaxy boi** i’ve been coughing practically nonstop

**galaxy boi** plus my head hurts

**galaxy boi** i feel like i’m dying

**$uho** Me too

**$uho** You got me sick you butthead

**lay me down** rest in pieces

**satan** you guys know what this means???

**t a o** TIME TO COLLECT THE INHERITANCE

**galaxy boi** THAT IS NOT THE PROPER RESPONSE TO THE DEATHS OF YOUR PARENTS

**Minnie** I get the biggest share since I’m the oldest

**fetus** Well you’re closer to death than the rest of us

**fetus** I’m young and in need of money

**fetus** So naturally

**fetus** I should get the most

**KAA** But I’m the favorite child

**$uho** That’s true

**galaxy boi** yeah jongin’s great

**KAA** Yay

**bacon** wHAT

**bacon** WHAT ABOUT ME

**$uho** You can choke

**lu** parent of the year

**modern-style elf** i’m second favorite right

**galaxy boi** you’re my second favorite

**galaxy boi** idk about junmyeon

**$uho** My second favorite is Sehun

**fetus** Damn right

**lay me down** but mother,,,,,

**rawr XD** i have been nothing but an ANGEL junmyeon

**rawr XD** i should at least be third favorite

**$uho** No

**lu** well you’re in a good mood today

**$uho** I feel like I have the plague Luhan

**$uho** You can’t expect me to feel perky

**galaxy boi** sorry for infecting you :((

**galaxy boi** i feel bad

**$uho** Awww

**$uho** It’s not your fault sweetie

**$uho** Don’t feel guilty

**t a o** that’s lovely and all but i want cash

**t a o** write your wills now

**bacon** tao’s got his priorities straight

**t a o** as straight as i’m not

**lay me down** oh my god

**bacon** SAME BITCH SAME

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fyi, if you feel like they're taking this family joke a bit too far, just know that the girl who's the mom of my friend group once heard me say "mother" to my real mom and answered "yes?"  
> also yifan and junmyeon being sick is based off of the fact that my throat has felt like hell lately and???? idk why but it s u c k s anyway bye go stream on melon or youtube


	26. hacking in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've returned from the dead!!  
> did you miss me? admit it, you missed me  
> and there's my gravity falls reference for the day (jk lmao)

**satan** jongin

**KAA** Yeah

**satan** if i were a gardener

**satan** i'd put our tulips together

**KAA** Awwww

**Minnie** Jongdae

**rawr XD** what

**Minnie** If I were a gardener, you'd be my hoe

**rawr XD** thanks

**fetus** Isn’t he already your hoe

**Minnie** True

**modern-style elf** those puns were terrible jfc

**satan** fuck you mine was great

**Minnie** Mine was accurate

**satan** are you saying mine wasn’t??

**Minnie** Mine was MORE accurate

**bacon** i think they were about the same level of accurate

**lay me down** hate to interrupt such a profound conversation but

**lay me down** do any of you know tao’s password

**$uho** How would we know if you don’t

**$uho** You’re his boyfriend

**lay me down** do you know yifan’s password

**$uho** Obviously

**galaxy boi** you do??

**bacon** even i know yifan’s password

**galaxy boi** h o w

**bacon** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**modern-style elf** what’s his password

**bacon** 5747

**lu** why

**galaxy boi** bc if you look at the letters

**galaxy boi** it spells kris B)

**lu** you’re such a loser

**lay me down** can we get back on topic????

**lay me down** i need to hack into his instagram

**rawr XD** nice

**fetus** Why do you want to do that

**lay me down** to post all my selcas

**lay me down** it’ll be funny

**Minnie** Because I support the cause of fucking up Tao’s feed

**Minnie** I will share his phone password

**KAA** How do you know it

**Minnie** I saw him type it once

**lay me down** great

**lay me down** what is it

**Minnie** 6969

**lay me down** clever -_-

**lay me down** what’s the actual password???

**Minnie** Dude I wish I was kidding

**$uho** I’m not even surprised

**lay me down** i just typed it and,,,,

**lay me down** it worked

**modern-style elf** *hacker voice* I’M IN

**bacon** FKSKSKJDS

**fetus** Make sure to delete these messages from his phone

**fetus** Destroy all evidence

**galaxy boi** smart

**satan** he’s probably just saying that so he can snitch on you himself

**fetus** I SNITCH ONE FUCKING TIME AND SUDDENLY YOU CAN’T LET ME LIVE

**rawr XD** snakes like you don’t deserve to be left alone

**lu** kyungsoo already beat sehun up

**lu** can’t we move on now

**fetus** Thank you!!

**lu** anytime, baby

**satan** cute but no

**fetus** Fuck you

**bacon** snitches get stitches dude that’s how it works

**Minnie** I wholeheartedly concur

**KAA** Do you eat dictionaries or something

**Minnie** Nah but I eat dick

**$uho** When will you stop

**Minnie** Never

**galaxy boi** aye yixing how’s it going

**lay me down** finished!!

**lay me down** [1 Image Attachment]

**lay me down** the final product

**lu** damn you ugly

**lay me down** thanks pal

**modern-style elf** where even is tao

**lay me down** taking a nap

**lay me down** gotta put his phone back now

**$uho** I wish you the best of luck

**rawr XD** don’t forget to delete the chat so sehun can rat us out again

**fetus** I’m-

**_fetus_ ** **left the chat**

**KAA** Wouldn’t it be funny if he accidentally woke Tao up

**lay me down** I WOKE HIM UP OH NO

**KAA** Woah

**bacon** quick say “wouldn’t it be funny if money fell from the sky”

**t a o** why are we talking about money falling from the sky

**bacon** why not

**bacon** you could buy so much gucci stuff

**t a o** true

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that was a really long chapter lmao  
> also go support yixing's new song bc it's great and i love him okay bye


	27. what's gonna work??!?!?!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aight so because luhan recently announced that he has a girlfriend i feel really uncomfortable writing a hunhan fic so i've decided to finally end this mess (bc legit this could last forever)  
> i'm not gonna delete it or anything but i figured this would be respectful to him and that's my #1 priority tbh  
> it's been a fun ride and i want to thank you all for reading! especially to my frequent commenters, y'all always make me smile <3

**KAA** Whoever created Rainbow Road is a monster

**galaxy boi** true

**galaxy boi** i assume you’re playing mariokart rn??

**KAA** Yeah

**KAA** I think it’s time for me to give up though

**KAA** I’ve died 12 times

**satan** seriously

**satan** damn

**satan** and i thought i sucked at video games

**KAA** You’re mean

**rawr XD** at least you’re better than tao

**t a o** i beat you twice the last time we played

**bacon** twice you say?????

**Minnie** Oh no

**modern-style elf** i already hear it

**satan** baekhyun

**bacon** yea

**satan** if you don’t turn your fucking volume down

**satan** i’ll come over there and smack you upside the head with a plate

**bacon** fuck you

**satan** diD YOU JUST TURN IT UP

**bacon** heheh

**lu** what is he listening to

**satan** twice songs

**lu** ah

**bacon** I’M LIKE TT BITCHES

**t a o** i apologize for what i made him do

**$uho** Look what you made me do

**$uho** I

**$uho** Don’t

**$uho** Like your little games

**lay me down** taylor swift is crying somewhere bc of that

**$uho** Yeah

**$uho** Tears of joy

**fetus** Nobody would ever cry tears of joy for you

**fetus** Unless it was because you were finally shutting up

**$uho** That’s no way to talk to your mother

**galaxy boi** junmyeon you already know what they’re gonna say

**lu** YOU’RE

**satan** NOT

**rawr XD** EVEN

**t a o** OUR

**modern-style elf** REAL

**lay me down** MOM

**fetus** BECAUSE

**KAA** WE

**Minnie** WERE

**bacon** ADOPTED

**$uho** I regret those adoptions

**galaxy boi** that was some great teamwork there though 10/10 the wonder pets are proud  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what a high-quality ending amirite  
> if you've never seen the wonder pets then you're prob confused so sorry lmao  
> anyways thank you again and i hope y'all will read whatever i may post in the future (i don't wanna make any promises but i might post a seventeen fic soon????)  
> okay goodbye and ily


	28. holly fucking jolly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aight so i know i said this fic was dead but i had to bring it back for one more chapter as a birthday gift for [nati](http://archiveofourown.org/users/youreverydaymulti_stan)!! happy birthday little tadpole ily <3 (i'm two days late rip)  
> and yeah this chapter's christmas themed bc i have writer's block and it's december don't judge me for being unoriginal

**lay me down** jUST HEAR THOSE SLEIGH BELLS JINGLING

**galaxy boi** dude it’s literally 2:30 in the morning go to sleep

**lay me down** yeah well it’s also CHRISTMAS so

**$uho** Christmas is quite a few days away Yixing

**$uho** Hold your horses

**bacon** oh come on

**bacon** everyone knows that christmas starts at midnight on december 1st

**t a o** true

**t a o** let’s get festive, bitches

**Minnie** Bodyslam a Christmas tree and shove a candy cane up your ass

**lu** it’s that time of year for me to add hot chocolate to my vodka

**modern-style elf** don’t you mean vodka to your hot chocolate

**lu** i know what i’m about son

**modern-style elf** oh

**satan** i hope you all know that i’m not getting you any presents this year

**rawr XD** tf you mean “this year”

**rawr XD** what’d i get last year

**satan** …

**KAA** You forgot to get him a gift didn’t you

**satan** maybe

**fetus** Snake alert

**bacon** that’s rich coming from you

**rawr XD** kyungsoo can get a nEW FRIEND FOR CHRISTMAS bc this one is gone

**satan** good fucking riddance you loud-ass bitch

**$uho** I don’t think Santa would be happy with this

**Minnie** Well somebody’s gonna have to sit in his lap and ask him

**fetus** I will

**fetus** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**KAA** For fuck’s sake Sehun

**galaxy boi** he’s not getting on the nice list

**fetus** Yes daddy Kringle I’ve been naughty

**t a o** please run me over with a reindeer so i can forget reading that

**lay me down** can you use eggnog to bleach your eyes bc i need to

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so writing the stuff that sehun said wasn't even a conscious decision,,,,, it just kinda happened  
> but anyways  
> happy holidays everyone!! and i promise i'll post a new fic once i have a decent story thought out


End file.
